I feel restored and rested yet at the same time every cell in my body feels different. I am a mother of two now and that’s invigorating and exciting yet at the same time scary, painful at times and the most challenging thing I’ve ever done. It is both the ying and the yang on any given day and I might even say within any given moment. My ability to control and oversee is fleeting and I’m beginning to realize how little power (not the empowered sense of the word) I actually have in my journey into motherhood and partnership. I have birthed again and this time, it’s myself, my new self and one of the new aspects of this is the way I’m showing up in my relationship with my man.
My new self is afraid and insecure as I begin to navigate this world that sometimes feels that if I if I don’t do everything in my power to hold things together, my life will fall apart. Letting go of the reigns is something I’ve struggled with my whole adult life and even more so after my first marriage fell apart. I then blamed myself for my marriages demise on a subconscious level and continued to hold these beliefs as I moved back into relating with men. It’s nice to wear the pants, make all the decisions and always be the one in charge but it’s not fulfilling. When I’m in this role, I find myself stressed out, full of expectations of myself and others, missing out on joy and disempowering my man.
As I begin to see things through new eyes, I realize how I have struggled to truly understand what makes meaningful and lasting relationships. People move into and out of intimate commitments to individuals without a whole lot of thought these days and baggage begins to add up quickly. Fear, insecurity, unworthiness, trauma; all of these deeply seated emotions and plenty more can surface when we’re in relationship. As humans that’s why we are in these bodies going through the motions that we are, we are longing for deep intimate connection even though sometimes our egos convince us otherwise. Due to our pain and hurt from past loves and wounds scarring our hearts we push away some of the most amazing people and experiences that we were meant to have. What I’m finding through my own relationship despite all my woundedness as well as my partner’s is that we are a team. We beautifully mirror how and why the other is showing up in certain ways (jealousy, criticizing, judging, etc) and we use this as food to nourish and grow parts of ourselves that have been asleep. I am discovering that an intimate relationship between two people means there is give and take; it means there are moments that we succumb to our partner’s power and let him or her call the shots. It’s recognizing that until we take ownership of our own feelings and responsibilities as a person who are we to tell someone else what they deserve to feel and what they are to do. It’s pushing the ego aside and leading with the heart. It’s not controlling outcomes or using manipulation tactics but about building each other up and co existing in a way that compliments each other. It’s about picking our battles and letting go of resentments, mistakes and misunderstandings. Gazing without judgment upon each other as a work of art and an inspiring influence in our lives is a gift that if willing we can access at every turn. Letting go of the work around creating a relationship where your partner is a project to fix or a pretty face to save is a receipt for disaster why not take some ownership and fix that within ourselves. We are our own work in progress but placing blame or un necessary judgments based upon our unmet needs has never contributed to a deepened connection
For a long time I’ve felt that if I made sure I called the shots and held the power in the relationship I told myself I wouldn’t get hurt, abandoned or rejected but as I’m finding out now that actually by staying in charge I’ve kept love from myself. As I forge ahead, my heart begins to crack, I allow my grief and heartbreak to surface and realize it’s not as bad as I had thought. I expand my heart and ease into the discomfort and pain instead of running from it. In my bones I’ve always known that one’s ability to soar comes from an open, alive and fearless heart. Playing my edge and allowing my partner to play his is providing opportunities for growth and depth that I didn’t think possible as we journey into opening our hearts to love.